I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize