So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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