I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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