Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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