Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
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