got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
