You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
well you can't waste a boner
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
