wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
