my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
