i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
