Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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