I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize