Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
