So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize