I accidentally burped into my bong.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
