I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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