I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
His hands were made for my vagina.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Randomize
