Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
