my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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