Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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