I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
