I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
