I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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