I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
