you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
They left me at home... I'm a liability
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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