I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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