The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
