He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
