I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm gonna fight the coyote
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
