Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
