It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
