my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Four minutes until I can fart!
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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