Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
