Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
