Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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