does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
