I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
