I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
