my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize