it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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