Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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