Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
