I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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