I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
