Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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