I think my vagina is haunted
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
