On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You dont lie about slip and slides
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
