I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
