He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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