just come out here and I will go home with you...
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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