I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
