Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
