i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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