Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
