I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
