I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
