he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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