using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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