I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
