my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
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