I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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