I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
