hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Who died my cat blue again?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
