How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
