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Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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