I think I died a long time ago.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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